*for those with no money, time, or patience.
Step 1- NO PREP! "Preparing" is a myth perpetuated by the evil forces of Big Sandpaper to boost sales. Paint is sticky, it'll go on there just fine.
Step 2- No masking. That's just Big Sandpaper at it again (wake up sheeple etc etc). Splotches of paint on all the doorknobs is so in right now.
Step 3- Just get the cheapest paint possible. Glue with talcum powder in it? Sure.
Step 4- Shaking the shit out of the tin is totally the same thing as stirring it.
(Bonus tip- it works even better if you have the lid well secured)
Step 5- A roller is a roller (or a brush). Those "professional quality" rollers that are 10 times the price? They probably work exactly the same (and i'll bet Big Sandpaper makes them too)
Step 6- "That will add body". Say this to rationalise everything that isn't quite right.
Dead bugs on the wall? That will add body.
Bits of dried paint caught in the 90c roller? Body.
Wall still covered in plaster dust because you didn't sand it? Oh boy is that gonna add body!
What's that you say? Is body a good thing? Well, er sure ooh look a puppy!
But probably not.
But slowly (oh so painfully fucking slowly) things are progressing-
And once it is done and we're out there i'll be able to enjoy this view a bit more-